


Words and Intention

by etux



Series: Words and Language, Intention and Feeling (fem viktuuri au) [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst and Fluff, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Genderbending, Rule 63, basically a rewrite of yoi where yuuri and viktor (and phichit!) are girls, but the most important remains: yuuri and viktor are soulmates, i don't know what's the right tag to use, some minor things have therefore been changed from canon, you are encouraged to educate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:19:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9627797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etux/pseuds/etux
Summary: Yuuri trains and trains and trains. Ballet and skating. She dances, because she doesn’t know what else to do.Katsuki Yuuri's life, from the first time she sees Viktoriya Nikiforova on ice, to the first night in their shared apartment in St. Petersburg.





	

**Author's Note:**

> my lesbian ass has been crying after this au for too long, so instead of waiting around anymore i decided to just finally write it

Katsuki Yuuri is twelve when she sees _her_ for the first time. 

And even through a small TV screen at Ice Castle’s locker room, Viktoriya Nikiforova captures Yuuri’s heart easily. It’s an instant crush, and it shares a clear pattern with the two other crushes Yuuri’s had up until then. 

First being the Sultan from Aladdin and the second being Yuuko.

The Sultan thing was a ridiculous kid crush on an unattainable fictional character. Yuuko’s been the object of Yuuri’s affections more recently. She’s the Madonna of Ice Castle Hasetsu - cute and talented and very much crushing on Nishigori Takeshi.

So. That’s the type Yuuri goes for. _Unreachable_. 

Viktoriya Nikiforova fits that description perfectly. When Yuuri sees her for the first time, she’s skating at the Junior World Championships. Her dark costume only has half a skirt, and her hair is even shorter than Mari’s and differently cut too.

She’s blurring the line between genders, and Yuuri is completely enraptured by her - she is without a doubt the single most beautiful person Yuuri has ever seen, and her skating is powerful and enchanting. She doesn’t just skate to music, she _is_ music. She’s the story and the emotion.

And - most importantly - she’s worlds ahead of Yuuri. 

(It’s okay.)

(Yuuri wants to catch up to her.)

( _Will_ catch up to her.)

***

After that, Yuuri’s life changes.

She plasters her walls with Viktoriya Nikiforova posters, and starts taking figure skating more seriously. Just being on the ice and winning local competitions isn’t enough anymore - she wants more, _needs_ more. She practices and practices, with a single goal in mind.

She wants to skate on the same ice with Viktoriya one day. Wants to be good enough for that.

She starts winning bigger competitions. She starts getting anxious.

She trains and trains and trains. Ballet and skating. She dances, because she doesn’t know what else to do.

***

It takes some pleading and bargaining, but eventually Yuuri’s parents give in and get her a poodle just like Viktoriya’s. Or not just like hers - Makkachin is larger than the pup sleeping in Yuuri’s lap will ever be - but close. The same curly fur and friendly nature.

Yuuri names him _Viktor_ after Viktoriya, and loves him more than anything.

She’s always practising, so she doesn’t have many friends. Yuuko and Nishigori are probably the only ones who are able to see through her awkwardness. It gets a little lonely, sometimes, even if Yuuri is _okay_ with minimal social interaction, so she’s happy when Vicchan quickly becomes her best friend.

His wet nose against Yuuri’s cheek in the mornings is the best thing imaginable.

***

Viktoriya Nikiforova grows her hair out. Yuuri cries when she first notices. And then she cries again when Viktoriya has her hair in a beautiful up-do with three different kinds of braids in the Worlds.

Yuuri wears hers almost exactly like that in nationals the following year.

***

At eighteen Yuuri moves all the way to Detroit to go to college and train under coach Celestino Cialdini.

It’s hard, being more than an ocean away from your family and everything you have ever know. But it had been inevitable, _years_ coming already, so Yuuri had prepared for it. There wasn’t a suitable coach for her in Japan. The States were the logical option if Yuuri wanted to continue, wanted to get better, to get to the top, to catch up.

And so she finds herself in a small dorm room, hanging up her Viktoriya Nikiforova posters on the wall and listening to a bubbly Thai girl ramble on and on about how much fun they will have. The girl’s name is See Chulanont, and she’s one of Cialdini’s students as well.

“So you’re a Nikiforova fan?” See asks when Yuuri has all but covered the wall on her side of the room with her poster collection.

Yuuri blushes a little in embarrassment. See’s English is much better than Yuuri’s, but her smile is kind instead of mean, so Yuuri gathers her courage and nods.

“Cool!” See takes a piece of bubblegum out of its package and pops it in her mouth. “I like her too. Probably not as much as you, but still. She can _skate_. Bubblegum?”

Yuuri takes the piece See is offering to her and smiles. 

Detroit might be alright after all.

***

No one can bump Vicchan off the first place in ‘friends of Katsuki Yuuri’ race, but See becomes a good runner-up. Sometimes See joins Yuuri when she’s Skyping her family, and Yuuri’s best and second best friend get to meet. Mari thinks it’s ridiculous, but Hiroko always makes sure she says nothing, since Yuuri, See, and Vicchan always seem happy during their group discussions.

(Yuuri loves her Mom so much.)

***

Yuuri and See kiss for the first time at their third college party. Neither of them is drunk or particularly in love, but the music is loud and the people are dancing, and they like each other and they are _just there_. Just close enough to close the distance with only a small step. 

They kiss all the way back to their dorm, tripping on their own feet and clanking their teeth together and giggling. 

See has wonderful hands that fit nicely into back of Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri has nice hands that can wonderfully slip under the back of See’s shirt.

Back in their room, Yuuri switches the light on and pushes See on her bed. See closes her eyes and moans as Yuuri kisses down her neck.

“ _Yuuri_ ,” See moans again when Yuuri’s hands find their way under her shirt again. See’s eyes flutter open, unfocused for a second, but soon fixating on something _behind_ Yuuri. A horribly unattractive snort escapes See. “Yuuri…”

“What?” Yuuri asks, confused. See gently pushes Yuuri off of her, and points to the wall of their room. Yuuri can barely turn to look when See can’t keep a straight face anymore and bursts into laughter.

It’s the Viktoriya Nikiforova posters. All twenty of them. Just… staring.

Yuuri grimaces and is about to apologise to See, but the girl shakes her head and puts up a hand to communicate _‘wait_ ’.

“ _I_ ’ _m_ sorry, okay?” she says after her laughter finally dies down. Her cheeks red, and there are tears in the corners of her eyes from laughing so hard. “I just… can’t. Not with the Nikiforova posters. So maybe we should.... _stop_. Nothing to do with you, I promise. Just the posters.”

Yuuri glances at the posters and then back at See.

See is trying to hide a grin. Yuuri sighs.

And then snorts.

“They’re my posters,” Yuuri laughs as she lays down next to See. “So maybe it has a little to do with me as well.”

“Well yeah,” See giggles, throwing an arm over Yuuri’s chest. “But you can’t help you’re in love with Viktoriya. She’s too irresistible.”

Yuuri giggles too, and they both cuddle closer. 

All of the previous sexual charging is gone now, but it’s fine. 

***

(Yuuri apologises for the incident again in the morning, when they wake up tangled together, each others’ hair in their mouths. See just laughs and pokes Yuuri between the ribs.

“It’s _fine_ , Yuuri,” she says. “Now I just have an amazing story to tell at your wedding.”)

***

They don’t kiss again after that. 

See gets a girlfriend and then another, and then breaks up with both of them when she realises the two of them are a better fit _without_ See in the mix. Yuuri buys her ice cream and three pole dancing lessons for both of them.

See quits after the three classes and moves on to hip hop. Yuuri goes with her, but also continues with the pole dancing. It’s fun and just difficult enough to keep her interested.

“And the guy teaching the class is hot,” See says with a roll of her eyes when Yuuri comes to skating practise a little late because ‘sorry, I stayed after the pole dancing class and didn’t notice the time!’

Yuuri rolls her eyes back at her and denies everything. Even if she _does_ have a date with Mark the Pole Dancing Instructor the following Saturday.

***

College flies by.

Skating. Ballet. Skating. Pole dancing. Skating. Hip hop. Skating. Going on a date with a guy, but not kissing him goodnight. Skating. Ballroom. Skating. Ballet. Skating. Studying. Skating. Not going on a date with a girl, but still kissing her goodnight. Skating. Breakdancing. Skating. Ballet. Skating. Studying. Skating. Skating. Skating. Skating.

Skating.

***

Yuuri is good, but she’s also anxious and lacks self confidence.

Viktoriya Nikiforova wins five consecutive World Championships and five straight Grand Prix Finals.

Catching up feels almost impossible at this point. Viktoriya is worlds ahead not only Yuuri but _everyone_. 

***

(Yuuri gets so close. She makes it to the Grand Prix.)

(And then.)

(Then.)

(Vicchan dies.)

***

(Yuuri hadn’t even _seen_ him months, let alone seen him in person.)

(It’s been five years since she’s been home.)

(She hadn’t even missed him, not _really_.)

(She had just been skating and skating and skating.)

***

Somehow, Yuuri makes it into the Grand Prix Final.

...but that’s pretty much _it_.

She fucks up her short program, and ends up trying and failing to eat her anxiety away. 

Her free skate is a mess, and Yuuri finds herself crying in the bathroom after her performance. She gets yelled at in that very same bathroom by a fourteen-year-old Russian _boy_ with the same name as her.

“I’m _glad_ we aren’t ever going to skate against each other.” Yuri Plisetsky all but spits on her face. “But you should still retire. No need for two Yuris, not even if we aren’t going to be competing for the same medals. Can’t have people thinking that Yuri means loser in Japanese or whatever. _Idiot!_ ”

***

Retire.

Yuri Plisetsky isn’t the only one who thinks it’s a good idea, if the articles online are anything to go by.

Coach Celestino tells Yuuri to put her phone away. Reluctantly, Yuuri does so.

Retire.

***

“A commemorative photo? Sure!”

(No. Not here, not now. Not when she hasn’t catched up with her yet. Not when she isn’t _ready_.)

Yuuri turns and walks away.

***

Retire. Retire Retire.

***

Celestino drags Yuuri to the banquet very much against her will. Yuuri doesn’t want to mingle, isn’t interested in smiling politely at people who are all wondering why hasn’t she quit already when she clearly doesn’t have the talent and woah isn’t she just way too - - -

\- - - Yuuri drinks champagne until there’s no space for anxiety inside of her. Only the gentle buzz of alcohol, keeping her insecurities at bay.

***

She wakes up the next morning with a headache that sounds just like:

 _Retite_. _Retire_. _Retire_.

Yuuri closes the curtains and hides under the blanket of her hotel bed. Maybe she can stay there forever, away from everyone and everything.

***

Spoiler alert: she can’t.

***

Katsuki Yuuri flops the nationals, and doesn’t make it to the Worlds. She ends things with her coach, Celestino Cialdini, and disappears from the skating world altogether.

She graduates.

She goes back to Japan. Back to Hasetsu.

Back _home_.

***

(Vicchan isn’t there. It hurts.)

(Even more than Yuuri thought it would.)

***

It’s all been a blur since the Grand Prix Final, really. A blur of crippling anxiety and overwhelming sadness. A blur of this loud, _loud_ white noise in the back of Yuuri’s mind, constantly distracting her from the here and now. Making everything seem distant and unreal.

Except.

Those few times on the ice.

Not practising - - not skating to her own programs, stumbling over her own feet when she’s supposed to jump - - - but just. Skating. Dancing.

 _Being_ the music.

Even if just for a minute at a time.

***

So she didn’t catch up to her. Who cares?

(Yuuri cares.)

(She cares so much.)

(But she copies her program anyway. Learns it better than she ever did any of her own.)

***

Viktoriya Nikiforova is the last one to skate her free skate at the World Championships.

Yuuri can’t watch. She turns and walks away.

***

Yuuri hands her glasses to Yuuko.

“Please watch.”

She doesn’t mean to sound so desperate, but she _is_ and so she _does_.

There is no music.

She stares at the ice. 

She _is_ the music.

***

(They skate at the same time, even if Yuuri doesn’t know it. They may not share the ice, but they share the music.)

(Are the same music.)

(Are the same.)

***

Yuuko cries. Not much, but still.

Yuuri is exhausted. 

She feels better than in months.

***

Yuuri has hope again.

She won’t retire. She’ll catch up to _her_.

***

_I’ve got to skate on the same ice as Viktoriya again someday._

***

One text message and a phone call from Nishigori changes everything.

***

Katsuki Yuuri is twenty-three when a video of her skating Viktoriya Nikiforova’s _Stay Close to Me_ goes viral.

She’s also twenty-three when Viktoriya Nikiforova drops her career and flies off to Japan.

***

Yuuri stares at the dog cheerily standing on her chest. For a second she had thought - - but no, Vicchan was much smaller. Much, _much_ smaller. This dog looks more like - _No!_ \- -

“Looks just like Vicchan, huh?” Yuuri’s father appears with a tray of dishes he’s probably carrying to the kitchen. “He came with a really beautiful foreign guest.” 

\- - _No, it can’t be_ \- -

“She’s in the hot spring right now.”

Yuuri has never run as fast in her life.

***

(It can’t be. It should not be.)

(But it is.)

***

“Yuuri, starting today, I’m your coach.”

and

“I’ll make you win the Grand Prix Final.”

and 

a _wink_.

***

After that, it’s... interesting.

It’s a summer of hard training and setting new kinds of goals. It’s a summer of running and dancing and skating and competing against an angry Russian boy who seems to both underestimate _and_ idolise Yuuri.It’s a summer of learning to be better, pushing your own limits, and discovering new sides of yourself.

It’s a summer of “Have you had any lovers?” and “Who do you want me to be?”

It’s a summer of getting to know someone - _really_ getting to know someone, instead of looking from afar. It’s a summer of learning about the flaws and annoying habits of someone you used to blindly admire. It’s a summer of letting that admiration transform, to grow into something else, something better.

It’s a summer of learning to trust.

(Learning to love?)

It’s a summer of laying the groundwork for something big, something brilliant.

***

With a new skating season come the old _and_ new problems.

Yuuri is anxious. Yuuri is insecure. 

Viktoriya is so new to this - to Yuuri, to coaching, to everything - -

Sometimes they mess it up.

Viktoriya pushes too far or too hard or too harshly. Yuuri keeps her at arm's length or even farther away. They clash instead of comfort. Hurt instead of mend. They don’t always have the words, the language, the knowledge.

But.

They have the intention, the feeling.

They _try_.

***

It’s been almost twelve years since Yuuri first saw Viktoriya for the first time on that small TV screen. Almost half of her life she’s been looking up to her, trying to catch up to the other, copying her and staring at her face on her walls.

Yuuri thought her unreachable, untouchable - worlds away in a different reality from everything ordinary.

She knows her better know.

Knows how she cares for her dog, how she sleeps with him whenever possible. Knows the differences in her smiles. Knows her tendency to be blunt to the point of rudeness. Knows her vanity. Knows the insane amount of love she has to give.

Knows _her_.

And she’s still without a doubt the single most beautiful person Yuuri has ever seen.

***

They mess up in the Cup of China.

Yuuri keeps Viktoriya at three arms’ length, and Viktoriya pushes too far _and_ too harshly.

But.

Yuuri jumps and Viktoriya runs.

They don’t have the words, the language, the knowledge - not yet. But they _do_ have the intention, the feeling. They try and they meet in the middle.

They surprise each other.

(Over and over again.)

***

They kiss for the first time.

***

There’s ice under Yuuri’s back, and there’s cameras flashing, but she doesn’t care. For maybe for the first time in her life, she doesn’t care.

***

See is at her side on the podium with a gold medal around her neck. Yuuri hugs and congratulates her. See pushes her away almost hard enough to knock her over.

“Who cares about some stupid medal!” See cries even though Yuuri knows this medal must mean _everything_ to her. Gold to bring home has been See’s goal all along. Making Thailand proud of her and her skating is all she strives for. “What about your coach? The one whose face you were sucking just now? Congrats for _that!_ ” 

***

“Congrats for this, indeed,” Yuuri whispers to herself one night a couple of weeks later.

She’s laying in bed with a sleeping Viktoriya on top of her in the very same room where she used to have dozens of pictures of her on the walls.

No picture ever captured the true beauty of Viktoriya, though - - here, her hair a mess and breath smelling like the alcohol she shared with Minako-sensei she’s even more incredible than on the ice or in the posters Yuuri has hidden under her bed.

Even the little spot Viktoriya has drooled on Yuuri’s shirt is charming. 

More than.

It’s _real_.

This is something Yuuri gets to have.

***

(She almost can’t believe it most of the time.)

(That’s why in Barcelona she drags Viktoriya to a jewellery store.)

***

_“It’s almost like a marriage proposal.”_

Viktoriya said that herself, not too long ago. And she had sounded happy and content (and hopeful?) when she said it, so.

Yuuri pushes all her doubts away and slips the ring on Viktoriya’s finger.

The gold glinting on Viktoriya’s right ring finger is everything Yuuri doesn’t have the words or the language for. It’s the promises and the prayers.

It’s _be my coach until I retire, but_ never _leave me_.

***

And Viktoriya digs an identical ring from her pocket, and slips it on _Yuuri’s_ right ring finger.

***

They have the intention, the feeling.

They meet in the middle.

***

(Identical rings. Similar prayers.)

***

(Never leave me.)

(Let me stay with you.)

***

Engagement isn’t some magical end game. It’s not a goal you can reach just to stop. It’s not a finish line.

There _isn’t one_ in life.

There’s just…. moments you share with the people you love. Moments you can remember together, later, when you’re both old and grey or old and bald, and you have nothing but each other and and a bunch of those _moments_ , and somehow it’s so much more than just _enough_. It’s everything.

***

 

Engagement isn’t some magical end game. It doesn’t stop you from messing up.

It doesn’t stop Yuuri from telling Viktoriya she wants to retire until it’s kind of way too late, and it doesn’t stop Viktoriya from smacking Yuuri’s hand away in anger.

It doesn’t make them immune to misunderstandings or grant them perfect means of communication.

***

(“You want to skate again. I know you do.”)

(“How can you ask me to return when you’re retiring?”)

***

Engagement isn’t some magical end game. It doesn’t stop you from messing up.

But it does remind them of their shared promises and prayers.

But it does encourage them to keep trying.

***

(“Stay with me. For one more season. _Together_.”)

(“Okay.”)

***

Katsuki Yuuri is twenty-four when she wins gold at the Grand Prix Final.

***

She’s also twenty-four when she moves in with her fiancé.

***

“Spring wedding?” Yuuri asks Viktoriya as she watches her go through their cupboards in search of good scissors. “Are you sure?”

“Isn’t Japan prettiest in the spring?”

Yuuri raises her eyebrows. “Oh, so we’re getting married in Japan?”

Viktoriya turns just so Yuuri can see her frown. “I thought that was the plan all along? Live in Russia, get married in Japan.”

Yuuri hums. “I didn’t say I didn’t like it. Just that I had never heard of it before. You have to share your plans, Viten’ka.”

Viktoriya returns to her search with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “Like you shared your plan to retire after GFP _before_ the night before your free skate, hmm?”

Yuuri rolls her eyes right back at her. This is a joke she’s heard multiple times, and will most likely continue to hear even if it isn’t particularly funny. Yuuri lets Viktoriya have her dramatic pettiness, because she knows she doesn’t really mean it. 

And it gives Yuuri permission to joke about the time Viktoriya showed up, unannounced and completely naked at her family’s onsen.

“Ha!” Viktoriya announces suddenly. “Found it!”

She pushes the scissors to Yuuri’s hands. Yuuri blinks at them stupidly.

“Oh. You first? I thought…” Yuuri shakes her head. “Yeah, no. It’s better this way. If you cut mine first and do it all nicely, it’s going to be too much pressure for me. I’ll rather fuck yours up now.”

Viktoriya smiles fondly at her logic, and leads Yuuri to the bathroom where they have set up a chair in front of the sink and the mirror already. 

“Don’t worry about messing it up,” Viktoriya says as she sits down and hands Yuuri a comb. “We’ll go to the hairdresser tomorrow. Ulyana can make us pretty again no matter what we do to each other’s hair tonight. This isn’t about how it’ll look. It’s about how it’ll _feel_.”

“A new start,” Yuuri muses as she combs Viktoriya’s hair carefully. It’s nice and shiny, even if it _is_ getting thinner.

Viktoriya grins at her through the mirror. “For both of us.”

***

(It is.)

***

First night in their shared apartment in St. Petersburg, they lay in their bed, naked, wrapped around each other.

(Both literally and figuratively.)

Viktoriya keeps running her fingers through Yuuri’s now short hair, and Yuuri keeps laughing at how silly Viktoriya looks with her new haircut.

“Yours isn’t much better, you know,” Viktoriya says when Yuuri once again muffles her giggles into her fiancé’s chest.

Yuuri looks up to grin at her. “I know. Guess neither of us is gonna have a career as a hairdresser.”

“Guess so.” Viktoriya pulls Yuuri even closer. “Maybe it’s good we both took to figure skating instead of hairdressing.”

Yuuri lays her head on Viktoriya’s chest and listens to her heartbeat.

“Maybe.”

***

(Definitely.)

( _Definitely_.)

**Author's Note:**

> the part about yuuri and see kissing and going back to their room in entirely inspired by [this post](http://yoi-headcanons.tumblr.com/post/154142846501/yuuri-n-phichit-totally-dated-right-but-every) bc you can pry the headcanon that yuuri and phichit had at least _something_ in college from my cold, dead hands
> 
> if you enjoyed this fic, subscribe to the series! i'm pretty sure i have some more of these girls in my system. i mean, i barely talked about how gay viktoriya is or how yuuri gets permanently chubby after they finally retire or how viktoriya wants to get pissed off when yuuri steals her shirts and stretches them with her boobs but can't bc our vitya is just too in love w yuuri or how see gets to tell that amazing story at yuuri and viktoriya's wedding................
> 
> and also hit me up [on tumblr](http://euseevius.tumblr.com/) if you want to hear more about my headcanons about viktoriya and yuuri's boobs or whatever


End file.
